The majority of your romantic lives want you to open up your mind a little and start looking at things a little differently.
Most people want to be with the perfect partner, but few people want to be the perfect partner.
The vast majority of problems around “finding someone” are caused by uneven expectations like this.
But when you flip this on its head and you start taking a little more responsibility in this area of your life—when you start focusing on what kind of life you want to live and what kind of partner you want to be—you’ll start to see all the flakes and narcissists and liars fade into the background. You’ll start making genuine connections with people and make each other’s lives more enjoyable.
So, if you’re willing to, have an open mind and take look at the following tips.
The root of all unattractiveness is neediness; the root of all attractiveness is non-neediness.
But what exactly is neediness?
Neediness occurs when you place a higher priority on what others think of you than what you think of yourself.
Any time you alter your words or behavior to fit someone else’s needs rather than your own, that is needy. Any time you lie about your interests, hobbies, or background, that is needy. Any time you set a goal to impress others rather than fulfill yourself, that is needy.
Whereas most people focus on what behavior is attractive/unattractive, what determines neediness (and therefore, attractiveness) is the why behind your behavior. You can say the coolest thing or do what everyone else does, but if you do it for the wrong reason, it will come off as needy and desperate and turn people off.
People can sense needy behavior and there are chances where you can tell when someone is being needy for your attention or affection—and it’s a major turn off. This is because a neediness is actually a form of manipulation, and people have a keen nose for manipulative bullshit.
Think about it, if you’re acting needy, you’re trying to get someone to think of you in a certain way or act a certain way towards you for your own benefit. Think about the way you feel when someone is trying to sell you something with high-pressure using tricks. It just feels wrong. It’s a similar feeling when someone is acting in a certain way just to get you to like them.
Now, we all get needy at times because, of course, we do care about what others think of us. That’s a fact of human nature. But the key here is that, at the end of the day, you should care more about what you think of yourself than what others think.
EXAMPLES OF NEEDINESS IN YOUR LIFE
How needy/non-needy you are permeates everything in your life and is reflected in all your behavior. And I mean all of it.
We behave in needy ways when we feel bad about ourselves. We try to use the affection and approval of others to compensate for the lack of affection and approval for ourselves which is another root cause of our dating problems: our inability to take care of ourselves.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Nobody will see your value as a person if you don’t value yourself first. Now, there’s a fine line between taking care of yourself for the right and wrong reasons. If you do these things I outline below in order to get others to like you, you’ve already lost (that’s needy behavior, remember?) You should take care of yourself because you genuinely want to be a healthy, intelligent, well-rounded individual for the sake of being a healthy, intelligent, well-rounded individual that values your own self-worth over what others think of you.
People won’t love you until you love yourself.
So with that said, here’s a list of some of the major areas of your life you should focus on first (if you don’t already):
Health – Taking care of your physical and mental health is the single biggest step you can take towards improving your life. It has the most enduring impact on virtually every other area of your life, including dating and relationships.
Besides making you look better, eating right and exercising consistently simply makes you feel better on a day-to-day basis. When you feel better—when you have more energy and your mood is raised a little—it’s a lot easier to get your ass out of the house and into the world so you can engage with people genuinely and confidently. You’re also more pleasant to be around.
And if you have any past traumas or psychological issues that need to be dealt with, do it. Talk to friends and relatives and get therapy if you need it. You’re ultimately the one who can help yourself the most, but it’s okay if you need a little help in this area. Get it taken care of.
Finances – Money is a major source of stress for a lot of people. It can be so stressful, in fact, that most people end up ignoring a lot of their financial problems altogether. This, in turn, leads to a vicious cycle, where ignoring your money problems only make them worse and you end up even more stressed as time goes on.
Long-term stress like this makes you less attractive. It saps your energy, causes health issues, and generally makes you a dick to be around. So if this describes you, it’s time to get real about your finances.
Learn about personal finance. Cut out waste and find ways to make more money in the short and long term. Open a savings account for emergencies. Pay down debt as quickly as possible. Learn the basics of investing.
In short, get this area of your life handled so it’s not dragging you down in other areas.
Career – To put it bluntly, no one wants to be around someone—let alone date someone—who complains about their job all the time. Not everyone can have their dream jobs or start a billion-dollar business instantly. We’re all born with varying levels of raw talent in one area or another, and sometimes our talents and passions can be turned into careers. Other times, we have to work “normal” jobs to make ends meet and pursue our talents and passions on the side.
But regardless of your current situation, there is absolutely some action you could take, right now, towards finding meaningful work that you could enjoy, or at least work you don’t dread. Apply for new jobs. Go to job fairs and network with people. Take classes and develop useful skills that you enjoy. Learn how to interview better and how to negotiate better terms of employment.
Your social life –if you end up at the same three or four bars with the same three or four people every weekend and then wonder why you can’t meet interesting, attractive or enjoyable people who you can connect with—well, just think about how backward that is for a moment.
Developing an active social life not only makes for a more fulfilling, enjoyable life, it also puts you in contact with more (and different) people, upping your chances of meeting someone you click with.
I’ll cover this more in the next section, but for now, a few ideas to get you started are things like exploring new hobbies and interests, taking an art class, signing up for martial arts or yoga, joining a community sports league, etc. Do things that get you off your ass and out interacting with people. This will pay off immensely in all areas of your life.
You’ll notice that all of these areas take quite a bit of time and effort to develop. In fact, you’ll probably never stop working on each of them to some degree, and that’s okay. The best way to get these areas of your life handled is to develop healthy, consistent habits around them.
And the point isn’t to reach some state of nirvana in your life where you have six-pack abs, a bazillion dollars, and a packed social schedule with thousands of friends and then, FINALLY, you’ll suddenly find true love. The point is to just always be working towards being the best version of yourself you can be at any given time.
WHERE TO FIND TRUE LOVE
Are you deeply interested in social justice? Are you a health nut? Are you a party animal or socialite? Are you really into art and music? Or maybe you love the outdoors?
Develop your interests first, simply by identifying the joy and pleasure you get from experiencing them. Then, as a by-product, you will meet people who share your values and are attracted to you based on who you are, rather than what you say or how you act.
It’s okay for experiments by expanding your interests, but as always, do it for you, not to meet Mr./Mrs. Perfect.
HONEST COMMUNICATION AND VULNERABILITY
There is a dizzying amount of dating advice out there and most of it, I’m sad to say, is bullshit. So much of it focuses on the “tactics” and “strategies” of attracting someone that it completely misses the whole point of the joy of meeting someone you connect with.
Look, part of being a mature, functioning adult in the world is being able to communicate and express yourself honestly on an emotional level. Most of the people, especially those who’ve had troubles in their romantic lives, this is hard. They’ve either never been taught how to be vulnerable in a healthy way, or they’ve gotten so jaded about dating that they figure, what’s the point? So they just throw up their guard even before anyone has the chance to get to know who they really are.
Vulnerability, when done correctly, is a show of real strength and power. Telling someone you like them and want to get to know them better doesn’t “give them all the power” unless you’re entirely invested in the way they respond to you.
If instead, you are merely expressing yourself to make your desires known and you’re willing to accept the consequences, good or bad, others will notice that. And it’s incredibly attractive.
A person who is truly secure and comfortable with being vulnerable is simply expressing themselves and saying, “This is who I am, faults and all. You don’t have to like me for me to be OK with that.”
And so, if you take nothing else away from this, just know that the way to find true love is to be the best version of yourself and do it unapologetically and without shame. You’ll attract people into your life who connect with you who are of your level and, just as importantly, you’ll weed out all the people who don’t.
I hope you enjoy read this “Dating Tips for Finding The Right Person Fast – part 2”. If you didn’t read the fist part of this article yet, click here to refer “What is Dating? & Simple Tips to know before Dating“.
Thank you very much for your valuable time & we really appreciate your comments to improve our articles. Cheers!!!